1. Introduction
    1. This disclaimer shall govern your use of our website.
    2. By using our website, you accept this disclaimer in full; accordingly, if you disagree with this disclaimer or any part of this disclaimer, you must not use our website.
    3. Our website uses no cookies; if you wish to eat cookies you must bake your own; if you are in an English-speaking part of the world other than the United States, you may bake biscuits instead.
  2. Credit
    1. This document was created using a template from SEQ Legal (http://www.seqlegal.com).
    2. Many modifications have been made to the template; Baker & Dovey takes full responsibility for any such modifications; modifications should be obvious because they are silly, but if they are not you can compare this document with the original at http://www.seqlegal.com/free-legal-documents/website-disclaimer
  3. Copyright notice
    1. Website content is copyright (c) 2016 Stewart C Baker & Matt Dovey unless otherwise specified.
    2. Subject to the express provisions of this disclaimer:
      • (a) we, together with our licensors, own and control all the copyright and other intellectual property rights in our website and the material on our website; and
      • all the copyright and other intellectual property rights in our website and the material on our website are reserved; and
      • we will put on silly hats and do a little dance if anyone says otherwise; and
      • please don't make us dance; you wouldn't want to see us dance; we're very ungainly; and
      • so on and so forth, verily, &c.
  4. Licence to use website
    1. You may:
      • (a) view pages from our website in a web browser;
      • (b) download pages from our website for caching in a web browser;
      • (c) print pages from our website;
      • (d) mail pages from our website through the post to Antarctic research stations, so long as you take full responsibility for any possible repurcussions of such posting;
      • (e) create Pointillist representations of pages from our website, provided you send us a copy suitable for framing;
      • (f) stand on your head while viewing pages from our website, provided you do not hold us responsible for what may happen as a result; and
      • (g) post reaction videos of yourself viewing pages from our website on YouTube or other such Internet video sites, provided you send us a link and use a suitable number of tasteful potted plants in the background,
      subject to the other provisions of this disclaimer.
    2. Except as expressly permitted by Section 4.1 or the other provisions of this disclaimer, you must not download any material from our website or save any such material to your computer unless you promise to feel very guilty about it afterwards. Instead, Baker & Dovey recommends taking up a hobby. Pointillism can be very rewarding.
    3. You may only use our website for the purposes of reading about Baker & Dovey and locating its stories and other information and/or other relevant purposes, and you must not use our website for any other purposes unless you have a very good reason for doing so and/or are secretly a time travelling Martian from 800 BCE because really what are we going to be able to do to you if you are? and/or you have asked and we said it was okay (really we're quite reasonable).
    4. Unless you own or control the relevant rights in the material, or it has been licenced under a Creative Commons licence, or we say it was okay, or you are trying to convince people of our munificence, brilliance, putrescence, other -nce words, or are encouraging people to give us money for stories, anthologies, you must not:
      • (a) republish material from our website (including republication on another website);
      • sell, rent or sub-license material from our website;
      • show any material from our website in public, unless you apologise to the members of the public afterwards for abusing their generosity in letting you show them our website in public;
      • (d) exploit material from our website for a commercial purpose; or
      • (e) redistribute material from our website unless you are doing so for the express purpose of telling people how fabulous and amazing and hilarious we are.
    5. We reserve the right to restrict access to areas of our website, or indeed our whole website, or indeed none of our website, at our discretion; you must not circumvent or bypass, or attempt to circumvent or bypass, or attempt to attempt to circumvent or bypass, or attempt to think about ways to circumvent or bypass without circumventing or bypassing any access restriction measures on our website. We also ask that you not misquote Yoda's "try or try not" line in reference to this section of the disclaimer, because it gets so bloody complicated you'll end up with a headache and nobody wants that. Baker & Dovey is not responsible for any headaches created in any way while using or thinking about using or thinking about quoting about thinking about attempting to circumvent or bypass whatever it is we were talking about just now.
  5. Accetable Use
    1. You must not:
      • (a) use our website in any way or take any action that causes, or may cause, damage to the website or impairment of the performance, availability or accessibility of the website;
      • (b) use our website in any way that is unlawful, illegal, fraudulent or harmful, or in connection with any unlawful, illegal, fraudulent or harmful purpose or activity, although to be honest we're at a loss to figure out how you even could;
      • (c) use our website to copy, store, host, transmit, send, use, act as pschopomp to, publish, disburse, fantasize about, write lurid descriptions of the birth habits of, or distribute any material which consists of (or is linked to) any spyware, computer virus, Trojan horse, real horse, worm (real or computer-based), keystroke logger, rootkit or other malicious computer software;
      • (d) conduct any systematic or automated data collection activities (including without limitation scraping, data mining, data extraction and data harvesting) on or in relation to our website without our express written consent unless it is something you think would benefit us greatly;
      • (e) access or otherwise interact with our website using any robot, spider or other automated means, except for the purpose of search engine indexing, time travel, catching pesty flies, performing a mazurka, immanentizing the eschaton, erecting a utopian society, or successfully passing the Turing test, UNLESS you yourself are a robot (or spider) capable of reading and understanding this directive with no human inputs (Baker & Dovey does not discriminate against robots or spiders, and is sad to have learned recently that putting house spiders outside usually kills them);
      • (f) violate the directives set out in the robots.txt file for our website OR Asimov's Laws of Robotics; or
      • (g) use data collected from our website for any direct marketing activity (including without limitation email marketing, SMS marketing, telemarketing and direct mailing).
      • You must not use data collected from our website to contact individuals, companies or other persons or entities unless you are SETI, NASA, ESA, or a similar scientific organisation which attempts to contact extra-terrestrial beings because that would be pretty cool (Baker & Dovey is not responsible for headaches caused to any individual, extra-terrestrial or otherwise which occurs due to the use of our data by SETI, NASA, ESA, or similar scientific organisations).
      • You must ensure that all the information you supply to us through our website, or in relation to our website, is true, accurate, current, complete and non-misleading, or at best well-intentioned. Baker & Dovey is not responsible for apocalyptic circumstances which come about because of (e.g.) extra-terrestrials, time travellers, Turing-capable robots, spiders, or any other heretofore presumed-nonexistent beings attacking the planet after reading these disclaimers or other website content and wishing to supply information on exactly how they feel in a true, accurate, current, complete and non-misleading manner.